Moving: My thoughts exactly

I feel like this post is long over due mostly because these thoughts have been swirling in my head unorganized, but the time has come just to get them out of my head. I over think everything, but writing it down just helps me process. That seems to get things out of my head faster. I need my own personal Pensive. Wouldn't that be the coolest?! I debated whether or not to share this with the 2 other people that read this, but I really wanted to. Its nothing fancy, but in a weird way, having a few other people read my complete and honest thoughts about moving helps me to get over it and see the good.

I feel like the only question anyone has ever asked us since January is "when are you moving?" Its partly our fault because we made the mistake of announcing our said move before we knew all the details but in our defense we thought we had the details.
Lets back up (but not too far because that is super boring.)

In February we started feeling like we should pursue the Luxembourg route. In March (April/May?) Ethan flew out to Lux to get all the details and interview for the job. He got the job. We told our families because we had the job, we were just waiting for the final paper works to go through. Well, obviously, we aren't in Luxembourg so clearly that didn't happen. All that mental build up for nothing. During the course of our Luxembourg pursuit, we started asking people who had lived out side the country for their advice and opinions. Well word travels quickly and people LOVE to tell others news, so naturally before a few days everyone was asking when we were moving and that question hasn't really stopped since.

At long last, we finally have an answer for people. In January, we started talking about our time in Arizona. Based on the people before us, we knew that our time would end more like October than the full two years like they originally told us.  We talked about moving before the summer hit so we wouldn't have to do that again, but it just didn't feel right. Seattle talk got put on hold during the Lux research, but then it got picked back up again once we knew Luxembourg wasn't going to happen. Once we knew Seattle was for sure the place, we had to just sit and wait for the timeline to follow.
To sum up 6 months of waiting, Amazon runs like a giant ant hill. There is one definite queen bee, but there are a million other worker bees. Everyone has their lever and everyone has a boss. Sometimes the bosses don't always communicate before they give orders to therefore there is a lot of confusion. Also, Ethan is part of an "experimental" group. They took his hiring group and designated them as a class together. They all will work one position for 18-2 years and then rotate two times after that. Although they want them to rotate, they do not hold positions for them. Ethan and his group have to rotate, but then have to wait for openings to become available just like a new hire would. Instead of just switching positions, Ethan had to go "interview" to get a feel for the boss and team and so they could get a feel for him. Its kind of confusing and a lot of people asked me "so what if he never "fits" with a team? Does he still have a job?' Yes. Worst case scenario would include him interviewing until January. Amazon turns over thousand of employees each year. A spot was going to open up.

I'm a planner and live to write things in my calendar. Well, we didn't know when we were moving meaning we couldn't plan for school or what clothes to buy or where we would be for Christmas etc etc and for the first time in my life I didn't care. We were a little edgy after the whole Luxembourg thing so we prayed really hard to not care about this next thing. I can not tell you how blessed we were. I cared so little about not knowing that I was able to live my life and didn't think about it most days. We knew that eventually an answer would come and we just had to wait. We were honestly 100% okay with that.

Long story longer, we waited, Ethan "interviewed," got his new assignment and we found out that we were to move in 4 weeks. There has never been a smaller surprise in our whole marriage and yet, I felt like I had been hit by a ton of bricks. When I heard the news, it was like Ethan was springing this out of no where. He came bounding out of the room, relieved to finally have an answer and have that pressure taken off him and when he told me I just burst into tears. "You knew this was coming. Why are you so sad?" I couldn't answer. I DID know. I knew for a long time and yet I was so so sad!!

I've moved a lot in my married life, but this move hurts more than the others and that has me confused. I've always enjoyed where we have lived and I've always made great friends so why this? Why is this the move (to date) that hurts more than the others?  Ive been thinking a lot about why this move is different and here is what I've come up with:

1. Its irrational, but I feel like this moving isn't new. I've lived in Washington so the excitement is gone. Now, I know Seattle is not Spokane, and I keep reminding myself that, but I can't shake this feeling.
2. Every move we have been "moving up" in life. We graduated, we started our first job, we started graduated school, we lived in a huge city, etc. etc. This is the first move where life is pretty darn good and doesn't need to change due to circumstance but it has too.  The only reason we are moving is because we are being told to. It doesn't really feel like a move up the ladder in life. Its more like we jumped from one ladder to another but we are equally as far up.
3. Weather. I could go on and on and on about how bummed I am about the timing of the move. And to be totally frank, the next person that tells me Seattle is beautiful, I am going to slap them! Stop telling me that "Seattle is just as sunny as Phoenix" and "you will love the summer". A: that's not true and B I absolutely WILL love the summer: IN SUMMER!!! I am moving in winter!! I have so much anxiety to be moving from indoor season to indoor season. I have suffered from seasonal depression before and I just fear that I am setting my self up to fail.  I can't even begin to explain how sad I feel, feeling the weather get beautiful, knowing that we won't get to enjoy it. We step outside in the mornings and its only 80! And the nights are dropping to the low 90s! Every day it gets cooler and cooler and I can't help but be bitter.
And every time our friends post pictures of their lives in Seattle right now, they are always wearing coats and its always overcast.  Will I absolutely love summer and have I already planned more weekend trips and hikes than our legs can stand? Definitely. But it's not summer.
4. Seattle terrifies me. Do you know how much it cost to live there?! Do you know that we will live in a place half of what we do now and pay 3 times as much?! Did you know the average commute is 45 minutes and people celebrate that?! That terrifies me. Sure we lived in Chicago, but that was only for 4 months. Not years. Its much easier to accept the housing bill for a summer rather than a lifetime. The work life balance of Seattle scares me and the cost of living makes me feel like we will never send our girls to college. I know my thoughts are ridiculous. Amazon does not pay us more to live in Seattle than in Arizona, but we have been saving while we lived here. And Ethan has a very good job. We are blessed that he is even making money. Some people don't even have that. I know things will be fine and I am just being ridiculous, but for the time I am super nervous.
5.. Washington. I have never ever EVER wanted to move back to Washington. It was a great stop in my childhood, but it was in the past. Once i left, I never had the pull or desire to come back. Its not that I hate it. I totally LOVE It.  Its more that I know I am a different person than when I lived there and going back means that people will see me as I was not as I am. Now lets be honest. I know like 2 people in Seattle, maybe 1, but I can't shake this feeling. I  have been telling friends that we are moving to Seattle and everyone is like "I bet you have been trying to get back home for years. Its finally happening." No. Not at all. I ALWAYS imagined i would marry someone and we would live in a 100 different states before we settled and none of them would ever be Washington. I guess its just my pride that keeps me thinking like this. I keep thinking, "I don't want people to think I HAVE to live in Washington. " That is so rude and irrational of me, but I can't help it. It just feels like I took 3 steps back in life. I have developed a life outside of my childhood and for what? Is that true, no and I know that, but these are the thoughts running through my brain.
6. There is no way that I am, have ever, or will ever be cool enough to live in Seattle and I don't say that as a joke. I entirely mean that. I am not indie, I am not a hipster, I am not trendy. I try to look nice, but I am a mother of two, hope to drive a mini van someday soon, and wear sneakers daily because normal flip flops hurt my feet. I am not cool. This doesn't matter. I don't want to be cool, but in AZ it worked. I fit. Avondale is very laid back. People don't care what other people are doing or wearing. Maybe its because they are too hot to care, or the nature of where we live, but I love it and feel right at ease. I know that is not how it will feel in Seattle.  I don't care to keep up with the Jones's but I hate living in that mindset. I was surrounded by it in Provo and loved leaving it. You don't realize that you are living in it until you are free from its bounds. It has been the most refreshing feeling leaving Provo and recreating a life of "relaxtivity."
Also, I have never met a group of people who care so little about what each other is doing, in the way of worldly things, as I have here. I mean they literally do not care or try to compete with each other at all. It is amazing. Everyone is exactly who they want to be, eat what they want to eat, wear what they want to wear, and say what they want to say no matter who is around. No one puts on a show or tries to be like other people. I'm not good at wording this, but I mean this all as a compliment. It is amazing. No one apologizes for living or doing or saying. They just act. And are truly just trying to be the best versions of themselves. When they are together they sometimes acknowledge their differences but mostly just focus on the things they have the same. It is the least competitive area I have ever lived and I have loved it. I have really gained a new appreciation of self confidence and being my own self. I haven't tried to "fit in" because there is no "fitting in." You are already in, so I have just tried to figure out what I like.  I'm nervous to leave it.
7. Now this is hard to write without being totally hypocritical. We have a lot of friends already in Seattle (THANKFULLY!!!) Many of them have already reached out and expressed their excitement (THANKFULLY!!!!) But in my irrational state I almost feel overwhelmed. As hard as moving is, I have always gotten a little bit excited of the idea that when you move you can start over. Its always a fresh start. No one ever knew what you were like before. They didn't know if you licked frosting from the containers or had blue hair. You got to be anything you wanted and you got do anything you wanted and I just loved having that little gem in the back of my pocket. We are now moving to a place full of people who love us and know us very well (THANKFULLY!!!). They are helping us with housing and jobs and schools and life. I would be lost without them. But the there is a tiny tiny tiny sliver of me that gets a little worried that  I don't get to start over. I don't get to be someone new. Not that I wanted to, but that mystery is gone if that makes sense.  Have you ever heard anything so ridiculous and self loathing?!
8. And then obviously I will miss my life here in AZ. I will miss waking up EVERY! SINGLE! MORNING!! to sunshine. I will miss the smell of the orange blossoms in February because I literally have never smelt anything more divine in my entire life. I will miss Halloween, where everyone sits on their driveways and eats tamales. I will miss the friends that have turned into family for me. I will miss my gym because this is the first gym that I have ever joined and I feel very attached to it. I will miss my Arizona skies becasue there is just something different about it here. I will miss my thunderstorms rolling in for miles.  I will miss my sweet primary kids because I've never been in a presidency and now I have to say good bye to them. I will miss my golfers and sitting out on a January afternoon, soaking in the sun with the girls, watching golf cart after golf cart drive by. I will miss wearing skirts year round because what is better than a cute way to wear elastic. I will miss our big open house that has terrible lighting but is so spacious compared to our box apartments before. I will miss the life we have created meaning we can go to the beach for the weekend (and did) or we can drive to Mexico (and did) for a quick trip. I will miss Aunt Kay. I will miss swimming in October and playing at the park in December. I will miss pomegranate and artichoke season where you can buy both for less than a dollar. I will miss fresh tamales from the creepy guy in the parking lot but it made the most Merry Christmas. I will miss my palm tree and zero effort yard. I will miss my hot turf that held my golf ball collection. And I will miss the person I have become. So much of my heart is being held here and it hurts to pull it away. AZ holds a lot of first for Ethan and I. It just is sad to have to leave it here

Moving is always hard, and I know I will read this in 6 months and laugh at how ridiculous I sound. I know that, but for now, my heart hurts and I try to fake it but its not working.This move will be so much better work wise for our family  and I absolutely know and have a completely peace that Seattle will be a perfect fit for our family. I know with a shadow of a doubt that we will love it there and I will cry when we have to leave THERE, but until then I will cry to leave this place. God bless you Arizona.